


The Great Intoxication

by Scummy



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Drugs (The Elixir), F/M, Gen, Mentions of past abuse, Self-Harm, Unrequited Love, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16804927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scummy/pseuds/Scummy
Summary: “I’ve seen all your faults, Ray. She has not. She only knows how much of a coward you are. What will happen when she realizes your worthlessness without my guidance? I know you better than she ever could, Ray. I’m the only one who will accept you. Not some outsider, ignorant of our ways, but your savior. Don’t you want my acceptance?”--------------I'm finally able to post up my piece forSaeran Zine!Thank you to everyone for supporting such a wonderful zine dedicated to an equally amazing charity and character!!!





	The Great Intoxication

He doesn’t have time for this.

Ray doubles over in his seat, arms pressed tight against his stomach with his breath labored. The cool wood of the desk against his forehead is barely a comfort as another wave of pain rolls over him. Another dose of the Savior’s personally made elixir was given to him just a few hours ago, and he had prayed that the agony would have faded away by now along with the aid of a cold shower. Instead, the undershirt he had just put on felt sweltering and his mind was fighting cloudiness.

Savior was still upset with him. That’s the only understanding he could come to, and whatever version of the elixir she had concocted was meant to punish him. Punishment for being a worthless excuse of a worker, of a believer. It only took a glance for her to know that he had been questioning her words, her warnings over useless attachments and how his mind was clouded from the outside world. The pain was meant to cure his obsession with their newest member.

Obsession was a strong word, though. The Savior always used harsher language when she was upset to properly convey herself, but surely she didn’t mean it? If he had been obsessing, then he would have made it a point to go through any security footage you appeared in before you came here, or even hacked through the camera of your laptop. But, he didn’t, instead choosing to stick only to public information. When the two of you were alone together, however, he only used what he had learned from you in person. That you were calm, sweet, understanding, that you worried over his meals just as much as he worried over yours. Surely, ‘obsession’ wasn’t the word for his feelings towards you. 

Ray slowly picks his head back up with a groan, bracing his back against his seat. Brief moments of clarity were coming through to him only for exhaustion to seep in. No matter how long he forced himself into a cold shower, his body still fought against him. Each breath he took burned his throat, causing a weak cough to escape him and successfully distracting his train of thought.

If he had to pick it… ‘Infatuated’ seemed more correct. Ray was smitten with the way you regarded him, as a person that was worth more than the inadequate body he had been cursed with, as someone blessed to see your smiles. He couldn’t remember a time before where someone else’s touch made him so joyous and completely void of fear. There was a certain warmth to you that Ray felt was akin to the sun; nurturing him, making his soul less weary.

The thought of sunshine brings a soft smile upon him as he remembers the plans you two made; a picnic the day after he finished his work, considering the weather was supposed to be perfect for it. He feels his pain ease slightly before he remembers the icy stare Savior had when she caught him discussing those plans with you over text.

_ “She doesn’t know the real you.” _

_ It was quiet, almost unheard, but caused his breath to catch.  _

_ “Look at me, Ray. Look me in the eyes.” Her hand grasped his jaw gently, coaxing him to reluctantly meet her gaze, but nails dug a warning into his cheek. “What do you think she’s going to do when she sees all that you’re hiding?” _

_ “I- Savior-,”  _

_ “Do you think she’ll accept you as I have?” _

_ Ray couldn’t bring himself to answer. His eyes dropped, causing her to yank his head back where she wanted it. _

_ “I’ve seen all your faults, Ray. She has not. She only knows how much of a coward you are. What will happen when she realizes your worthlessness without my guidance? I know you better than she ever could, Ray. I’m the only one who will accept you. Not some outsider, ignorant of our ways, but your savior. Don’t you want my acceptance?” _

_ Of course he did! But mere words never convinced the Savior. It had to be actions, and so far everything he had done up to this point wasn't enough. Especially with you in the picture. _

_ Ray felt her grip tighten momentarily before his jaw was released, the indents left by her nails stinging.  _

_ “That woman won't put up with your inconveniences like I have. The moment she learns of how insignificant you are without me, she'll leave you, Ray. Without a second thought.” _

_ Her touch was so cold on his back. The Savior’s fingers gently trailing a pattern to his shoulder made his nerves scream, and it had taken everything he had not to flinch so he could avoid more of her silent anger. _

_ “I know everything that happens here, Ray. Keep yourself devoted to the one who truly loves you.” _

The way her sharp steps had rang out made his stomach churn with anxieties, and now even though those steps were long gone and that interaction had been hours ago, he was battling with the elixir she had left behind.

God… He had been forced to drink it all in one go instead of gentle sips or avoiding it like usual. Ray could take the pain- he could always withstand the throbs of physical discomfort- but the mental agony was unbearable. Each time he had the slightest handle on his emotions, the damned elixir was there to dismantle and reduce him to nothing but despair.

Would you even spare him a glance like this? There’s this disparity to talk to you even when he’s ashamed of his collapsing body- Some hope that your calm voice would ease this headache and allow some peace to the constant fighting in his mind. With that, he bites his lip as he picks up his cellphone and types the password to unlock it, intending to scroll through past encouragements you had sent.

Instead, he’s faced with the Savior’s harsh truths.

The most recent messages are you checking up on him after that disgusting scene in the garden, when he left you alone as he trembled in fear to the Savior’s chambers. You heard so much from that intruder, that liar who had snuck his way into their haven, and watched as Ray himself crumbled before you. In a moment where his strength was needed the most, he had none to give.

He drops his phone on the desk, letting it clatter as he takes in a shuddering breath. Ray can feel his eyes burn as the Savior’s words come back. He was so stupid! An airhead, a moron! How could he have entertained the thought of protecting you when he couldn’t even protect himself?

As the Savior has pointed out, he was a cowardly good-for-nothing, and you, with how kind your soft eyes were, your soothing voice… You didn’t deserve such a lousy excuse of a person like himself. The Savior had told him before that there was nobody who would ever accept his broken and pathetic self as she had, that no one could understand the ways of Mint Eye when clouded by the temptations of the outside world. She was the only one to bring people like him to true paradise, and you...

You would never love him like he longed for. 

Breathing becomes strained, and each struggling gasp for air causes his stomach to churn. Whimpering, Ray rests his aching head against the desk again with a thump as he thinks of the Savior’s words clawing into him. 

Ray had barely earned the life he was currently living, yet he still clung to these idle daydreams to help pull him through his next round of information gathering. While the elixir would make him question Mint Eye’s beliefs, he had dreamed that one day the two of you could rest together. Content, happy, providing each other the comfort you both craved so deeply. 

But that was another life. One he didn’t deserve to even imagine.

Shivering as his anxieties grow stronger, Ray slides his hands up, shakily carding his fingers through his hair. As his breath skips, his nails scrape across his scalp, making him tremble further.

He knew that, and so did the Savior herself. She pointed out at how useless he had become when trying to act out on these meaningless imaginations, and how if he continued further that he wouldn’t even be needed in the one place he had just started to belong in.

Despite how true she had been in the past, Ray still craved at the hope that maybe, just this once, the Savior could be wrong. That you, his beautiful princess, could be his one day.

Suddenly, his hands stop their repetitive actions as he catches himself with what had just went through his head. He hurriedly corrects himself, scrambling to replace the heresy with thoughts more loyal to the one that saved him all those years ago, as if she could read his mind. When had the Savior ever been wrong? She was right about his newfound life so far, correct about the betrayal of both the photographer she had been consumed by and the traitor that had forsaken him. 

Yet here he is, trying to push her spoken truths away as if she herself hadn't saved him from a life of despair. 

Overcome by guilt, the fingers that had been threaded through his hair curl into fists. Before he could waste another thought against it, he shakily slams his knuckles against his head, then again as he bites the inside of his cheek. 

The Savior had given him so much, had worked so tirelessly to create a paradise of salvation for him and the other members, and Ray was doubting her? His role was so crucial to bringing her plan to success, yet he was going to throw it away for a stranger who would never love him. Who didn’t have the capacities to love him, because he wasn’t made for your love. Ray was just here to do as the Savior wished, and to long for more than that was almost a betrayal itself.

Despite the pain and tears it brings forth, Ray continues to hit himself until he can no longer keep track of what pain is coming from the elixir or his own doing. It’s an automatic process, one he’s used from previous bad bouts of that terrible teal liquid, but he still flinches and cries out from the accumulation of all the pain. Each time his fist connects, he remembers the prayers he swore to repeat- The Savior's hands on his cheeks- All he had endured in the basement. He remembers every pathetic moment of his disgusting life, each memory making his anguished heart sink faster as he realizes that a person worthy of your love would have never lived in such a hell as the room under his feet, or the collapsing home he had grown up in.

Your call is the only thing to free him from his personal discipline. The soft and airy notes of the ringtone he had set for you cause his fists to slow as he cracks his swollen eyes open. With a weakened grasp, he picks up the phone and blinks through his tears to make out the personalized photo of your caller ID. 

After all he's done, he couldn't dare answer your call. Grimacing, he finally shuts his phone off. It hurts to even breathe, but if he wanted to give himself any sort of worth, he had to devote himself fully to the Savior. She was trying to improve him, make him someone worthy to spare a glance towards, but still he’d nearly forsaken her word for someone who could never accept him with his decaying body.

His aching fingers make their way back to his keyboard, going back to the coding he had sworn to finish this morning. He didn’t have time for this- these selfish and immature thoughts. Regardless of the hope he couldn’t will away, he still needs to stand by the side of the one who saved him. Only then, no matter how much pain ravished him, could he be someone much stronger that was worthy of you. As he was, ‘Ray’ could never fit that quota. 

But someone fully under the Savior’s guidance could.

**Author's Note:**

> I was really busy after I finished up the Stay series because I was accepted as a guest on the Saeran Zine, and today I'm able to post up the piece I made for it!  
> I'm incredibly thankful to have been given an opportunity to write a piece for a zine dedicated to charity, and I'm excited to see the donation receipt posted up soon!  
> I hope you all enjoyed this, and thank you to everyone for supporting such a wonderful zine dedicated to an equally amazing charity and character!


End file.
